I remember as a teenager going for long drives with my friend Mary Jane and listening to this lyric from the Pink Floyd song – Wish You Were Here – and it truly resonating with my soul. Early on in my life, as early as age 5, I have memories of getting this feeling that I was outside the fish bowl – not lost swimming within it. I felt as though I was looking in and observing the rest of the naïve gold fish that swam around in a place they called home for reasons I thought they must have known. I started questioning why people do what they do, and asking myself what the point of it all is? I wondered if they knew I was on the outside looking in and absorbing every aspect of the environment and their behaviour, and if any of them felt or thought the same. I often felt a sense of isolation and disconnect, and I started asking myself: Where do I fit? Where am I going? Why am I here? Why do I have to do what they tell me? (I had these things to figure out and didn’t like the invasion of rules or restrictions impeding on that). Yes, I was an excellent student perfectly behaved and did what I was told while in public school for fear of failure and drawing attention to myself, yet in my head I was always questioning things, and at home my fierce curiosity and rebellious debate team qualities could not be restrained.

Now being labelled an adult for the simple fact I was born in the 1980’s, I am still asking the same questions. I look at those around me who say they are happy, have busy lives, and appear to have their shit together, however I see them concentrating on such things as buying the next best Apple product and sadly see through their unauthentic smile when they talk to me. Do they not question these things? Sure, their kids, family, hobbies, etc., can make them genuinely happy, but I watch them as their overly busy schedule saturated with responsibility consumes them, and their life appears to be more like a job of have-tos instead of a beautiful, enjoyable and fulfilling experience. Life is full of obligations and responsibilities including things we have to tend to that we don’t necessarily want to. I believe, however, that it has so much more to offer and we have so much more of ourselves to explore and fulfill then we often do. I have felt lost and without a home for the better part of my life. Times when I feel like I’ve found my answer, or found my people or place where I belong were only temporary. I now realize they signified that I am on path and connected, but were not the answer – they were but pieces to the puzzle and confirmation I am on my way. My belief is that our souls reincarnate many, many times, and I myself am an old soul who has visited here many times before. I also believe before we come out of our mother’s womb we know who we are, what we are meant to do, and how we are meant to do it, but that birthing amnesia takes over the moment we take a breath of oxygen.

There are children who relatively know their path from a young age and go straight down it as the normal society would deem proper: school, to post-secondary, to career, to marriage and kids, to retirement and death. I wonder if  some of them really engaged in questioning such things, and if they did, did that play a part in their choices? I am boggled at the simplicity of some who stop searching and accept that any feeling of emptiness or unhappiness is what everyone feels, and believes that’s just how life is. I sometimes wish my life could have been that simple and I didn’t yearn so much for answers. Maybe some of these people are feeling fulfilled in some way, or at least believe that they are, but from my experience in observing the large majority of the population, a deep yearning for something more exists. Things like depression and anxiety are signs that we are not living in accordance to our nature, or are not on path doing what we are meant to be doing. Until we make changes will we release these emotional disturbances and start to feel the contentment we are looking for. I believe we are all meant to be on this earth to truly experience one thing – love. We knew pure love before we were born, but we came to have a physical human experience to learn the lessons through challenges and heartache to remember what we’ve always known. We are perfectly created beings of love, but we are told otherwise and spend a lifetime trying to accept every part of our self.  The other piece of that is that we come here to work out unresolved karma, figure out our God given gifts, and present them to the world.

When I ponder the feelings I get and look around me I know that my home is in the people and animals I meet who connect with my heart. I know that my purpose is to spread the message of love, still yet to be discovered how on a bigger scale, but that my deep questioning is truly a gift that my soul wants to have the best experience it can. Out of fear or judgement people will get stuck never really living their dream, or due to circumstances and experiences not ever recognize what their dream is or feel the love that is always available to them from within. This journey of discovering what your true calling is doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it, nor are we made to come here to suffer. Every challenge is a gift to teach us compassion, and even though I still yearn for more answers, I am grateful to have to the awareness I have thus far. I have faith that if you are like me and asking these questions and making changes when you are called to (without the absence of fear mind you) – you are closer than you may think to finding your home and fulfilling your purpose. Every day is a blessing and my feeling of disconnect has gotten smaller knowing that we are all one with God and earth is our temporary home. I used to want to go back to the spirit world because that is my real home, but realizing how lucky I am to come on this vacation to earth I decided to give it my best shot.

I have had experiences where I referred back to this lyric in my mind because when I have met someone and gotten the feeling it was just the two of our souls lost together – this gave me the feeling of being home. These souls have taught me such significant lessons and I know we once were home for each other and lived many lives together. Home isn’t a place – it is a feeling. There is a way to access that feeling of love within that will give you all the answers you seek, and if you just breathe, open your heart chakra, and allow it to swallow you whole – you will never be lost again.

God bless

Violet Rays Jane, Wellness Specialist

Heal your emotional body. Discover your inner wisdom. Ignite your soul’s purpose.