Do you ever feel like you are in this life and just waiting…? You know what I am talking about, waiting to feel more complete and happy as a person. You think as soon as you get that Aha moment, finish that course, reach that goal weight, meet that person, experience that adventure, succeed financially, gain that status, etc. you will be able to feel at ease, more joy, and more alive. Do you know that we don’t need to live in the ‘waiting’ phase anymore, and that we had it wrong all along. Do you know that if you actually do attain any or all of these things that you will still be left with the need to attain even more? What is really going on is you are waiting to become a better version of yourself. You deeply desire to feel this raw fulfilment in life, and the only piece missing in this equation – IS YOU! The real you, the true version of you that you keep hidden away from the rest of the world. The you that you fear to allow to be seen due to potential judgement. The you that is messy, and opinionated, and quirky, and silly, and genuine, and thoughtful, and funny. The child inside, the mother and the father, and the one who is the only one that exists on this planet.
I think about the past relationships I have had, and for most of them I felt I was somehow straying or stagnating from my path. This was because during those times, I made that person the focal point of my life for the duration of our time together, and I felt as though I would lose consciousness in the ocean of our union. I would basically completely lose myself and barely stay afloat. Feeling disabled and swimming in circles, I now realize I actually conquered milestones within the ocean of MYSELF. The more I lost myself, and the more masques I wore, the more impossible it seemed to getting back to being the person I was. This was not the case however. Each person was actually a mirror image of me, and they pushed me to excel in my self evolution and get closer to finding me. Feeling more lost as a result was to my benefit. I couldn’t have lost myself that easily if I had a grip, and knew myself that well to begin with. So what I gained was a clearer understanding of who was inside me underneath all of those broken pieces.
We are all lost, but the difference is being with or without a cause. We struggle some days more than others in the race for survival, and can sometimes forget why we are here. Being a true believer in the foundation of destiny and the beauty of love, I know in my heart I will always be Ok. Whether alone, homeless, sick, broke – it doesn’t matter. I will be pushed towards what I am meant to experience and learn with the right people. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and if you see the world as an ugly place, which I must admit I can often succumb to cringing at the hate and destruction going on in the world, you are not feeling the blessing of life.
In the process of my new journey where I am only weeks from my departure abroad, I feel more and more at home, understanding that a home is not what I am searching for anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I still have the lingering feeling that I am not where I belong at the present, but it is where I am meant to be today. However, it is life that I am searching for – my life. Life is feeling love every day, and I am learning to accept that from God and the Universe each morning when I wake up, and to love every single living organism; to breathe each breath as if it is my last and experience things good and not so good for what they are because they are all gifts; to meet people that see the world as I do and want to help make the world a better place for those who are really suffering, and to make nonbelievers into believers because there really is magic everywhere in sight. A miracle is waiting around the corner for everyone who desires to believe. Each and every one of us is a miracle. Today I am choosing to love myself for who I am because if I emanate anything else, I will continue to attract situations that resemble what I am projecting. Loving myself means I love every one of you, the earth, the sun, the moon – we are all one. What I am searching for is Me!
To be patient is something I am still learning, even though I know I am right in this moment where I am supposed to be, and as are you. I have faith that this journey will set my soul free to be what it has always meant to be, and answer its calling of being allowed to spread the message of love to the entire world. This is a vague description of what I am going to do, but I have faith that opportunities and people will come into my life at the right time if I just follow what my heart is guiding me to do. We will all wake up sooner or later whether you be a gifted child who was born awake, or while lying on your death bed you finally get a glimpse of what this life is all about. I feel very lucky to have gone through a lot of my awakening process the better part of this past decade. I have faith I am home in the presence of love when I take a deep breath, and with my future full of amazing experiences and the belief that I am never really lost or astray. I bless you who have gone before me, those who have crossed my path thus far, and those whom I’ve yet to meet.
I want to be free, free from burden and heartache and attachment, but that is the end goal. If I already had that, I wouldn’t need to keep working at it and living each day with excitement of what piece of the puzzle I am going to figure out next. I ask you to sit and ask yourself when you take a deep breath in – Am I truly living the most authentic life I can be living? Am I truly happy and in love with myself? Do I look at each situation and person with compassion? If any of your answers were No to those questions, what are you going to do to change that? You are so close by even questioning such things and if you really want it, just believe that you will get it.
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